Goodbye 2014!

It’s December 31, the last day of 2014! I’m so excited that this year is over with. Sadly, it wasn’t all that great of a year.

I’m one of those people who LOVES change. So, I am quite excited to say goodbye to this year and see what I can accomplish in 2015.

In February, I finally decided to quit my job that I HATED! Every day I woke up dreading having to go to work. I dreaded having to deal with my boss. I just dreaded my life. I worked anywhere from 60-80 hours a week. Every day I went to work my boss made sure to tell me how shit of an employee I was. I started becoming depressed and started believing the things she was saying to me. That I was a terrible employee, that I would never go anywhere. I started thinking about the things I wanted to do and soon they became to seem that they’d never happen. I started thinking about how every person I went to school with was starting their careers and how everything I planned on doing wasn’t going to happen. I started comparing my life to their life.

So, on Valentine’s Day I told her I was leaving, that I was so tired of waking up and dreading my life. I was tired of being unhappy with myself . After 4 years of working for her and working anywhere from 60-80 hours a week, I never felt so happy and realized how INCREDIBLY miserable I was.

Although, my excitement was short lived. I started a new job right away working for an ex-coworker after he literally begged me to work for him. After 2 months of working for him, he started trying to find ways to get rid of me. He’d tell his boss I wasn’t doing this or that. I didn’t do something a certain way. He tried anything to get me wrote up. Again. I started dreading where I was working and I started actually slacking. I started showing up 15-20 minutes late. I never understood why someone would BEG for me to work for them, and then try and find ways to fire me. I’m still confused about it to this day. After MONTHS of him trying..he finally succeeded and in July, he got his way.

In August, I started working at my current job. It isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life but, I can honestly say I wake up and actually enjoy having to go to work. I’ve never worked somewhere where people don’t tear me down.

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After comparing my life to those I know and thinking about ALL the things that I had planned out for myself, I finally came to terms that MAYBE what I had plan to accomplish isn’t what I’m REALLY meant to do. At 25, I wanted to have a career and my own house. But, NONE of that has happened. Literally, every thing I planned to accomplish didn’t happen. But, that’s okay. There is something out there that I’m meant to do.

So, in 2015, I plan on bettering myself. I want to finally do things that make me happy. I spent 4 years of my life hating every waking moment. Dreading waking up. So this next year I want to make good memories. I want 2015 to be SO MUCH better than 2014. I want to better myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I also want to start saving money. I’ll be 26 in March and hopefully by next year I want to be out on my own. I want to work on my confidence. I want to become healthier. I have lost 80lbs since ’08 but, I’ve hit a plateau. I haven’t lost or gained any weight since then. So, I’ve made a plan with my best friend to go to the gym 3-4 days a week or just go on walks. I also want to be more organized. I am complete and utter crap at organizing things. I also want to blog more. I have just started blogging again and it feels amazing to be able to write about things that I enjoy, or just get things off my chest whether anyone reads it or not.

But, my MAIN goal is to just LET GO. Let go of what I planned to do with my life when I was young. Let go of any sadness or anger. Let go and stop caring about what anyone thinks of me.

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What are some of thing you wish to accomplish in 2015?

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Anxiety

I’ve always wondered why people who talk about anxiety say that it is VERY tough for them to talk about, until I started typing this. It’s tough to put into words how you feel because describing anxiety to someone is well, for lack thereof a better word…tough.

I grew up in a family where emotions were never really talked about. So, I guess through observing my family and people around me, I’ve learned to bottle them inside. Growing up, we were always told to be tough and strong. I thought being tough and strong was NEVER showing any emotion.

I have a lot of pain and sadness inside me so I bottle it up. It’s been 25, almost 26 years of bottling, storing my emotions inside. I also bottle up all my positive emotions as well. I don’t know how to express my emotions, which why this will probably be ALL over the place, because honestly, writing this is like pulling “teeth” to get the words out of myself.

I go through most days feeling “satisfied.” I wouldn’t really call it much of an actual emotion. I guess you can say that I’m afraid of my feelings. I don’t understand them and how to deal with them – how to express them. Since I bottle up my emotions, I will go days where I’ll lay in bed and cry, silently to myself when my brain decides it had had enough of holding it in.

If you are also someone who suffers from anxiety/bottling up your emotions, you will know that even when you breakdown and let it go once in a while, it doesn’t change ANYTHING.

I’ve always thought I was alone, that I was the only one suffering from anxiety, or the only one who felt like this from holding their emotions. I watched a few YouTubers that I’ve grown to enjoy watching and a few bloggers who, I also enjoy talk about their anxiety and realized I WASN’T the only one.

I’ve always been incredibly shy. I’ve never been the one to walk up to people and introduce myself and if anyone came up to me, which btw was INCREDIBLY rare. I’d freeze up. I didn’t know what to say. Inside, I’ve always wanted to be this loud, outgoing person that I “feel” like I am, if that makes ANY sense at all. When I began my first job, I literally had to FORCE myself to be that person.

I remember having my first anxiety attack. I was at work, at the time I was a manager at Burger King. I know….YIKES! It was very busy that day and I was the only one on duty so I had to pretty much go through my heart racing, wanting to pass out, turning hot then, back to cold, and also wanting to run as FAR away from where I was – I couldn’t. That night after I got out of work, I asked my dad if I was having a heart attack…LOL. He told me no, that was an anxiety attack. To this day I still REALLY don’t know what triggered it.

Ever since then if I go somewhere like, a mall or any place a large group of people are, I start to panic. I become incredibly irritable and the only thought on my mind is how quickly I can get out. I also try to avoid going to said places on days or times I KNOW, a lot of people won’t be there. Also, I used to LOVE trying new things and even the thought of trying something new and different…terrifies the hell out of me. At my age I don’t even have my license because driving a car is something new to me. Everyone just tells me that I don’t try hard enough, that it’s “ease,” and if they can do it, then I can do it. Well, that may be CORRECT but, my mind just freaks out, I get behind that wheel and I start having an anxiety attack. They don’t get how TOUGH it is! Just the thought of being behind the wheel makes me start to freak out.

Lately my anxiety has gotten worse. I live in my head, thinking, wondering. At 25 (almost 26), I pictured myself graduated from college and starting a career. I thought at 25, I’d be in a relationship…getting engaged like mostly everyone I grew up with. But, NONE of that has happened. I had to drop out of college because I couldn’t afford it. I haven’t started a career. I’ve worked crap jobs like Burger King and working a crappy retail store. It’s so crazy how I planned out my life, and not a SINGLE thing has happened like I thought. I constantly think, what if I did this differently or this? If I did would my life be different? Would I actually be a “normal” 25/26 year old with a career and actually doing something with my life? I start to “freak” out in my head. These questions just repeat over, and over, and over again until I start panicking.

It’s honestly so bizarre how all the emotions you’ve held in and repressed can just all of a sudden come out at once and hit you. It’s like this odd feeling. It’s indescribable.

*Sorry this was ALL over the place….once again, it was like pulling teeth to get this out.

Update!

Wow, it’s been about 9 months since the last time I have updated this blog. I have honestly forgotten how much I loved blogging. Work was literally consuming my life! It’s honestly so crazy how quickly something can just consume ALL of your time, an all the things you actually ENJOY doing just get thrown on the back burner. I decided ONCE in my life that I was going to start doing things that made me happy. I ALWAYS put myself last in all aspects of my life. Lately, I’ve been reading other blogs and constantly thinking to myself “man, I REALLY miss having my own place to write about things that I enjoy!”

I plan on keeping up this blog regularly now that I’ve taken a step back from working so many hours to give myself some freedom and enjoy life.

I Heart Fall Tag!

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Favorite Fall Lip Product: I am absolutely loving red lips this fall. I was never one for red lips and thought I could never pull them off to save my life. I must say, I thought wrong! hahaha. I’ve been loving Stila’s liquid lipstick in Beso. I’ve also been loving Revlon’s lip stains and anything berry colored.

Favorite Fall Nail Polish: Sadly, I don’t wear nail polish. I have a terrible nail biting habit that likes to come and go. I’ll let my nails grow out and then…I bite them off. Gross, I know.

Favorite Starbucks Fall Drink? Oh gosh, where do I start. I LOVE the pumpkin spice frappuccino as well as the chai frappuccino.

Favorite Fall Candle? I love anything pumpkin scented. During the fall I’m more of a warm, spicy, food/fruit scented candle girl. Bath & Body Work’s candles are just amazing.

Favorite Fall Scarf or Accessory? Scarves! I have so many scarves it isn’t even funny. Although, my favorite is just a plain grey infinity scarf. It goes with anything and keeps me warm. I live in the south so once it dips under 70 degrees I’m FREEZING! I love bundling up sweaters and scarves during the fall.

Haunted house, haunted hay ride, or haunted corn maze? Haunted hay ride definitely. I’m such a baby when it comes to scary things though. I’ve never been through a haunted corn maze. It sounds absolutely terrifying though!

 Favorite Halloween movie? It’s a tie between Halloween Town and Hocus Pocus. Anything on ABC Family’s 13 nights of Halloween I love. Like I said before, I’m not big on scary movies.

Favorite candy to eat on Halloween? Eh, I know this will sound boring but, I’m not big on sweets. Every time I eat something sweet I get terrible stomach aches. Although, give me a piece of chocolate I’ll be happy. One “Halloween” candy I hate is candy corn! Gross! That stuff is like PURE sugar and kills my teeth whenever I bite into it. I have no idea how anyone can eat it. Hmmm, can I count candy apples as a Halloween candy?

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?! NOTHING. I can’t remember the last time I got all dressed up for Halloween. Sadly, I’m going to be stuck at work until 9pm that day. Boo! Usually I just sit at home waiting for trick-or-treaters to hand out candy too. I do enjoy seeing all the kids in their costumes.

What is your Favorite thing about Fall? Ah, where do I start. Fall is my favorite season! I’m originally from Massachusetts so growing up seeing the leaves change colors was just amazing. Now that I live down south the colors aren’t as vibrant. I’m also not a fan of the hot summer heat or the freezing winter cold so fall time is where the temperature is just perfect. I love how during the fall there is so many fairs and awesome things to do. Can we just talk about how AMAZING the air smells during the fall. The air is so crisp and clean smelling. Also, I love carving pumpkins and making pecan pie and pumpkin pie.

I could go on and on about why I love fall but, I think I’ll just leave it at that. hahaha.

Update: What have I been up to?

Well hello there!  I know I haven’t wrote anything in almost two months. For anyone who has been wondering where I’ve been, well I’ve been working, trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life. I’m almost 25 years old. Five years ago, I thought I’d be in college and working my way to a bachelors degree in business. I thought that once I got out I’d be on my own, living my own life. I thought I’d be doing what I wanted to do and living on my own. Clearly, that has not happened at all. I’m working at a job I NEVER imagined I’d be doing and incredibly unhappy with my life. I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing that I wanted to do.

I see all the people that I went to school with graduating college, starting a career, traveling around the country and to other countries. I see them starting families and buying their first home. I have not managed to even do one of those things. Last year would have been the year that I graduated from college.
I was only able to complete one year of college at Campbell University here in North Carolina. I was forced to drop out after my first year due to lack of money. Financial aid barely covered one third of the cost of the year. After I wasn’t able to go back to Campbell I’ve tried 3 different times to get into UNCG, and a local community college. All of which have failed. Every time I’ve tried to go back something has gone wrong, something stopped me from going back to school and working towards the goals I’ve set up in my head since I was a little girl. I’ve always dreamed of going to college and starting my career.