I’ve always wanted to talk about this…but it’s something that isn’t easy to talk about. I’ve always been “bigger,” than most girls. I was always teased for my weight ever since I was a little girl. I’ve had twinkies thrown at my head. I’ve been called “fat ass.” I’ve never been thin for as long as I can remember. Like most girls, growing up I’ve always compared myself to other girls. I’d think why can’t I have her body? Why am I not skinny like her? Why can’t I be as pretty as her? I still do think things like that, not as often as I used to. I think that is normal for people to sometimes compare themselves to others, even though we shouldn’t and that it is quite silly to do. I think being just a little hard on yourself is okay. It is what pushes you to become a better version of yourself. Everyone is beautiful, we are all unique! I come from a family of incredible cooks! I have a chef for a little brother and my parents are both really good cooks. We didn’t eat the healthiest foods, fried food was definitely very big in our house growing up. Every other Friday was pizza day or grinders (subs.)
I remember learning about anorexia and other eating disorders, and thinking that I would NEVER EVER do that to myself, no matter how bad I wanted to be thin. I thought, how ANYONE could do that to themselves? It seemed completely and utterly absurd that someone would do that. I remember senior year of high school, I would always skip lunch. That’s something I won’t even REALLY claim as the beginning to it. I mean I was still eating breakfast and dinner at home even though, I was doing it in hopes that I could lose just a few pounds by skipping. I wasn’t fully consumed by being skinny. By being pretty. I’m sure no one noticed that every day I would stand against the brick wall near the cafeteria for 30 minutes waiting for lunch to be over. I absolutely loathed lunch time! I’m sure they probably just thought I scarfed my food down! Why would anyone think that that big girl standing next to the wall would be starving herself?
The day after graduation I packed my bags and moved to North Carolina. It was a chance for me to start over. To be happy, because I wasn’t happy AT ALL where I lived, I started college at Campbell University during the summer and this is when things got worse! I was stressed out from being away from my family and not knowing a single person where I was. This is where I like to say it REALLY began. It’s hard going from somewhere you are so familiar with…you grew up with all the kids you were in high school with, you all went to middle school together and then suddenly, i found myself being lonely, not knowing a single soul! When I started college I was 19, I’ve never been kissed, never even been in a relationship, never even had a guy look my way! Crazy to think that I started doing this ALL because I wanted a guy to think I was pretty, that I wanted a guy to like me.We were given $350 every semester for food. We could spend it at Chick-fil-a or Quiznos and a couple other places. Of course we also had a meal plan. The meal plan was something I barely used. Monday – Thursday I’d only eat one sandwich and a bag of chips. I’d split it between lunch and dinner. Friday – Sunday was spent not eating AT ALL. The only thing I would do, is drink water. When the money ran out was the only time I’d go to the cafeteria, I would only eat salad. Not only was I dealing with my desire to be “thin” and “pretty,” I was also dealing with my anxiety, trying to find friends. I would stay up until 2am-3am following “thinspo” blogs and looking at pictures..thinking that was what I NEEDED to look like. Constantly comparing myself! I would stare into the mirror, picking out every single flaw I could find, tearing myself down.
When the weight started coming off, I noticed boys would start talking to me. They started to notice me, and I no longer felt that I was completely invisible. Sadly, my low self-esteem got to me, and I started sleeping with ANY boy that would give me the time or day and tell me I was pretty. Something, I’m REALLY not proud of AT ALL. It took the loss of a REALLY good friend to realize what I was doing, was wrong.
I lost 80lbs my freshman year. I started having friends from back home tell me how amazing I looked, and that they were proud of ALL the hard work I’ve done Even people I wasn’t friends with would tell me. They’d ask how I did it…I’d lie and tell them eating right and exercising. I had people tell me that I inspired them to start losing weight. I wanted to shake them and tell them NOT to think of me as an inspiration because I was lying. Because I didn’t do what I preached, I didn’t do things the right way. I was ashamed of myself.
In ’09 is when I got my first boyfriend…if you want to call him that. I try to forget about him. Most of our relationship was long distance. I did end up moving with him down to Texas. I didn’t stay long, I found out he was cheating. He’d lock his computer when he’d get up, which I thought was INCREDIBLY weird and sketchy. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me by two friends. They sent me conversations he had sent them that he had with her, as well as things he’d say to them about me. When I got home he found ways to talk to me and tear me down. He’d go on and on about me weight, how I looked and etc. I continued to barely eat because I he said I was “fat” the reason he didn’t like me because I was “fat.” I believed that no guy would like me because I was “fat.” It’s funny how people think words are just words and that they carry no meaning. That isn’t the truth at all words are just not words! The words you believe are just words and that they don’t carry anything,carry so much meaning to the person who receives them. They can built someone up or completely destroy that person.
I’ve slowly started to begin to accept myself and the way I look. Although, there are days when I think I look gross and days where I think I look great. There are times when I wonder why I even put myself down. There are some days I think about not eating. I guess it will always be something I have to battle. I hope that this will maybe help someone. I hope you know you aren’t alone! I hope you realize that you are beautiful no matter what size you are. No matter what someone else thinks of you…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. If someone doesn’t like you for the way you look. FUCK THEM! Love yourself! Be healthy, in every aspect of your life. Be confident! No one is perfect! Embrace EVERY SINGLE flaw, for that is what makes you, YOU. That is what makes you, BEAUTIFUL! Those are what make us ALL who we are. They are what make us unique and beautiful! Don’t ever think for a second that because you aren’t a size two, because you can’t wear a bikini, that you aren’t beautiful.