Coming Clean: My eating disorder!

I’ve always wanted to talk about this…but it’s something that isn’t easy to talk about. I’ve always been “bigger,” than most girls. I was always teased for my weight ever since I was a little girl. I’ve had twinkies thrown at my head. I’ve been called “fat ass.” I’ve never been thin for as long as I can remember. Like most girls, growing up I’ve always compared myself to other girls. I’d think why can’t I have her body? Why am I not skinny like her? Why can’t I be as pretty as her? I still do think things like that, not as often as I used to. I think that is normal for people to sometimes compare themselves to others, even though we shouldn’t and that it is quite silly to do. I think being just a little hard on yourself is okay. It is what pushes you to become a better version of yourself. Everyone is beautiful, we are all unique! I come from a family of incredible cooks! I have a chef for a little brother and my parents are both really good cooks. We didn’t eat the healthiest foods, fried food was definitely very big in our house growing up. Every other Friday was pizza day or grinders (subs.)

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’08 senior prom

I remember learning about anorexia and other eating disorders, and thinking that I would NEVER EVER do that to myself, no matter how bad I wanted to be thin. I thought, how ANYONE could do that to themselves? It seemed completely and utterly absurd that someone would do that. I remember senior year of high school, I would always skip lunch. That’s something I won’t even REALLY claim as the beginning to it. I mean I was still eating breakfast and dinner at home even though, I was doing it in hopes that I could lose just a few pounds by skipping. I wasn’t fully consumed by being skinny. By being pretty. I’m sure no one noticed that every day I would stand against the brick wall near the cafeteria for 30 minutes waiting for lunch to be over. I absolutely loathed lunch time! I’m sure they probably just thought I scarfed my food down! Why would anyone think that that big girl standing next to the wall would be starving herself?

The day after graduation I packed my bags and moved to North Carolina. It was a chance for me to start over. To be happy, because I wasn’t happy AT ALL where I lived, I started college at Campbell University during the summer and this is when things got worse! I was stressed out from being away from my family and not knowing a single person where I was. This is where I like to say it REALLY began. It’s hard going from somewhere you are so familiar with…you grew up with all the kids you were in high school with, you all went to middle school together and then suddenly, i found myself being lonely, not knowing a single soul!  When I started college I was 19, I’ve never been kissed, never even been in a relationship, never even had a guy look my way! Crazy to think that I started doing this ALL because I wanted a guy to think I was pretty, that I wanted a guy to like me.We were given $350 every semester for food. We could spend it at Chick-fil-a or Quiznos and a couple other places. Of course we also had a meal plan. The meal plan was something I barely used. Monday – Thursday I’d only eat one sandwich and a bag of chips. I’d split it between lunch and dinner. Friday – Sunday was spent not eating AT ALL. The only thing I would do, is drink water. When the money ran out was the only time I’d go to the cafeteria, I would only eat salad. Not only was I dealing with my desire to be “thin” and “pretty,” I was also dealing with my anxiety, trying to find friends. I would stay up until 2am-3am following “thinspo” blogs and looking at pictures..thinking that was what I NEEDED to look like. Constantly comparing myself! I would stare into the mirror, picking out every single flaw I could find, tearing myself down.

When the weight started coming off, I noticed boys would start talking to me. They started to notice me, and I no longer felt that I was completely invisible. Sadly, my low self-esteem got to me, and I started sleeping with ANY boy that would give me the time or day and tell me I was pretty. Something, I’m REALLY not proud of AT ALL. It took the loss of a REALLY good friend to realize what I was doing, was wrong.

I lost 80lbs my freshman year. I started having friends from back home tell me how amazing I looked, and that they were proud of ALL the hard work I’ve done Even people I wasn’t friends with would tell me. They’d ask how I did it…I’d lie and tell them eating right and exercising.  I had people tell me that I inspired them to start losing weight. I wanted to shake them and tell them NOT to think of me as an inspiration because I was lying. Because I didn’t do what I preached, I didn’t do things the right way. I was ashamed of myself.

In ’09 is when I got my first boyfriend…if you want to call him that. I try to forget about him. Most of our relationship was long distance. I did end up moving with him down to Texas. I didn’t stay long, I found out he was cheating. He’d lock his computer when he’d get up, which I thought was INCREDIBLY weird and sketchy. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me by two friends. They sent me conversations he had sent them that he had with her, as well as things he’d say to them about me. When I got home he found ways to talk to me and tear me down. He’d go on and on about me weight, how I looked and etc. I continued to barely eat because I he said I was “fat” the reason he didn’t like me because I was “fat.” I believed that no guy would like me because I was “fat.” It’s funny how people think words are just words and that they carry no meaning. That isn’t the truth at all words are just not words! The words you believe are just words and that they don’t carry anything,carry so much meaning to the person who receives them. They can built someone up or completely destroy that person.

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Now

I’ve slowly started to begin to accept myself and the way I look. Although, there are days when I think I look gross and days where I think I look great. There are times when I wonder why I even put myself down. There are some days I think about not eating. I guess it will always be something I have to battle. I hope that this will maybe help someone. I hope you know you aren’t alone! I hope you realize that you are beautiful no matter what size you are. No matter what someone else thinks of you…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. If someone doesn’t like you for the way you look. FUCK THEM! Love yourself!  Be healthy, in every aspect of your life. Be confident! No one is perfect! Embrace EVERY SINGLE flaw, for that is what makes you, YOU. That is what makes you, BEAUTIFUL! Those are what make us ALL who we are. They are what make us unique and beautiful! Don’t ever think for a second that because you aren’t a size two, because you can’t wear a bikini, that you aren’t beautiful.

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Beauty: Everyday Makeup

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I keep my makeup very minimal…actually I just can’t be bothered to take a long time to do my makeup. I’m usually up at 6am to be at work at 7am so I try and use as less as possible makeup to make me look like a human and not a zombie.

I NEVER use foundation…I actually don’t even own any. Last few times I’ve bought foundation they either oxidized on my face or they would just make my patches of dry skin more noticeable. I don’t really have lots of redness or blemishes. I’ve been VERY lucky! When I was a teenager I had VERY oily skin and terrible acne.

Maybelline Fit Me Concealer – Not the HUGEST fan of this concealer…it tends to crease and look “cakey” after a few hours of wearing but during the summer I ended up getting a stye in my eye and threw out ALL my concealers. It seems like they changed the formula from the first time it came out…It seems to cover more. It does it’s job and makes me look a bit more awake…I’ll give it that.

NYX Le Frou Frou Mascara – I haven’t heard anyone talk about this mascara so I picked it up to give it a try. My CVS finally got a little NYX section and since I got a wonderful stye from my apartment swimming pool and had to trash my mascara, I decided to try it. It works very well on lengthening your lashes which I like. I’m not REALLY fan of volumizing mascara.

NYX Eyebrow Pencil – I actually really love this eyebrow pencil. I’ve tried a few other pencils and they were either too creamy or the brown had a redish tint to it. I like that the pencil isn’t TOO pigmented so it creates light strokes so you can’t OVER define your eyebrows.

Revlon Colorburst Matte Balm “Elusive” – Absolutely love these matte balms. I have no idea why I don’t own more. I tend to stick with lip colors in the fall that are light pink.

Milani Lipstick “Nude Creme” – LOVE LOVE LOVE this lipstick! It’s my most worn lipstick. It’s a pinky/mauve/nude color. I’m terrible at describing things btw!

Popsugar & Birchbox: December

Ah December…my favorite month of the year sadly, for subscription boxes it wasn’t.

I recently subscribed to Popsugar and was hoping that for $40 a month, the boxes would be nothing less than amazing..man I was wrong. If anyone else receives Popsugar you’d know exactly what I’m talking about!

This month’s Popsugar was filled with not one…but TWO boxes of Ghiradelli chocolate, caramel popcorn, wrapping paper, plastic wine cups. The best part was probably the necklace and the mascara. The worst part is that I didn’t receive the supposed $110 necklace or the mascara. Really? C’mon Popsugar…all your boxes are the same..how could you forget not 1 but 2 items out of someones box? I did email them letting them know that I didn’t recieve them and they were more than happy to send them to me.

Last but not least…Birchbox. This month’s box contained nothing but foil packages and duplicate items for me. You would think that being a holiday box they’d give good size samples and nothing duplicate. I mean I know it is only worth $10 but seriously? Items I’ve already received.

I’m so unimpressed with both companies for their holiday boxes. I was really looking forward to both of them this month and hoping that they would be amazing.

*Sorry for the lack of pictures in this post but, my poor laptop died and I won’t be getting another until February or March and I really wanted to get a post up.*

How was your Birchbox or Popsugar? Did you enjoy them?

Haul: Lorac Little Lace Palettes & Pink Sugar

Another Lorac eyeshadow palette haul! I ordered these a few weeks ago but just haven’t been able to post them. I have a severe problem with trying to get these exclusive palettes from Lorac.

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The palette in Ravishing is filled with purples! I honestly didn’t have a single purple eyeshadow in my collection before I bought this.

I love how the palettes are in a way two mini palettes in one. One side more day time and the other more for night time. The colors are incredibly pigmented!

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The palette in Ravishing..reminds me of FALL! It honestly looks like fall leaves in eyeshadow form. The only bad thing about the palette is how SMALL the eyeshadows are. I was expecting the palettes to be as big as the Stylist palette was. When I recieved my box from Hautelook I honestly thought the box was empty. The palette can easily fit inside the palm of my hand!

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I’ve been wanting this perfume for a LONG time but could never justify spending $50 on it. It smells AMAZING!!! When it went on Hautelook a couple weeks ago, I bought it for only $27! It is a very sweet smelling perfume, if you love sweet and vanilla this perfume is a must! It also lasts ALL day. When I get home from work I will still be able to smell it on me and I work between 12-14 hours a day around food.

Birchbox: November!

This month’s theme is More Good, and Birchbox is donating a portion of the proceeds from the Birchbox Shop to No Kid Hungry, a nationwide organization that works to end childhood hunger.

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It’s a 10 Miracle Leave-in Product | The conditioner’s natural ingredients restores moisture while adding strength and shine for instant silky hair. Green tea leaf extract shields hair from environmental damage, and panthenol, a provitamin, strengthens and softens hair and prevents split ends. $19.99

I’ve been wanting to try this product for EVER but, I could never justify spending $20 on a leave-in conditioner. I am so excited that I received this in my Birchbox this month. It has a nice smell, I love using it to smooth out fly aways and it leaves my hair feeling incredibly nice and smooth! Also, the sample size is half of the full size! 

Supergoop! CC Cream | this CC cream uses 100% natural ingredients and antioxidants to triple protect against UVA, UVB and infrared-A rays. Light-diffusing mica minerals soften the appearance of pores and wrinkles for a fresh, flawless complexion. $32

I’m not one of BB or CC creams. I don’t wear much make up on a day to day basis, I’m sure the 2 foundations I have are expired by now. I’m lucky enough to not need anything to “correct” my complexion. I’m also NEVER outside in the sun that much throughout the day. I go to work in the dark and leave when it is dark. However, I did try it out  and it was very easy to blend out and it blended right into my skin tone. I’m pale so when I opened the tiny sample I was like eek! I don’t think this is even near my shade. It felt very soft and somewhat powdery on my skin. I really wish the sample was a bit bigger. The little tube it comes in I don’t think was even half full of product. 

Dr. Lipp Original Nipple Blam for Lips | Packed with all-natural ingredients, Dr. Lipp’s thick, rich, long lasting formula is clinically proven to repair rough, flaky lips and smooth dry skin patches.This versatile lip balm and gloss also heals cuticles, split ends, sunburns, and even diaper rash. $14.50

I was excited to try this product out. I’m a sucker for lip balms. I constantly have dry lips so I’m ALWAYS on the search for something to moisturize my lips. Birchbox can give me a different lip balm in every single box and I wouldn’t complain. It is INCREDIBLY moisturizing and I can see why A LOT of people are raving about this product as an amazing lip balm. I am totally going to try this as a cuticle cream! However, once again it came in a tiny tube like the Supergoop CC Cream and was incredibly difficult to get out since there was very little product inside. When I tried to squeeze some out, the tube popped and product when FLYING…haha it honestly scared me!

Juicy Couture Viva La Juicy Noir | Ripe berries pair with a touch of honeysuckle and undertones of sultry sandalwood. $90 3.4oz

Is it just me or do most Viva La Juicy perfumes smell somewhat similar? Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love them ALL but nothing about this one smelled anything different from Viva La Juicy or Viva La Juicy La Fleur etc. I was honestly hoping it’d be a darker scent, something more spicier, musky,vanilla or something a bit heavier. It is sweet and fruity smelling. Nothing really smelled “noir” about it.

I also recieved a Color Club nail polish which as some know by now, I don’t wear nail polish, not because I don’t like to but, because I’m not allowed to. I work in the food industry and we aren’t allowed to wear any. I have tried nail polish from Color Club and loved how opaque and cream the polish is.

Can I just talk about how AMAZING the Birchbox extra was this month? CHOCOLATE! You don’t understand how excited I was when I opened my box and saw a FULL SIZED Ghirardelli chocolate bar sitting on the bottom of the box. I went right to it and devoured the whole thing! I wasn’t able to resist eating it, as I’m sure most of us were when we go our boxes. To those who were able to resist temptation, I envy you!  I received the Mint Cookie Crunch one. It’d be interesting to find out what other kind people received.

What did you get in your Birchbox this month?

Favorites: October!

The month of October has just flown by. I swear the older I get the faster the months seem to go by. I’ve been working a lot lately so I haven’t been able to try out many products. I’m also trying to save for my vacation in April to Savannah. I can NOT wait.

So for the month of October I only have a few favorite things!

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Lorac Pro Palette: I swear if you haven’t picked up this palette you are missing out. It comes with 8 matte shades and 8 shimmer/satin shades. They are incredibly pigmented! The design of the pallet is super sleek and thin so it makes it ideal for traveling. I actually find it better than the Naked palette.

Mirenesse Glossy Kiss: I received this product in a Birchbox a very long time ago and just threw it in with the rest of my makeup and was like eh red lip stick. i didn’t think I’d be able to wear a red lip at all. But, when I was going through all my makeup and throwing away things that had expired or things that I just didn’t like anymore I found it. This lipstick/lip pencil what ever you want to call it is just amazing. it is smooth, creamy and isn’t heavy on the lips.

Stila liquid lip gloss:  Another red lip item that I received in a Birchbox.  The pigmentation is INCREDIBLE. The lipstick goes on incredibly opaque. Something that is labeled as a “liquid lipstick” I always thought would be a little sheer or not that opaque. It is a bit hard to remove. Once it is on..it is ON!

Lately I’ve been using the Mirenesse Gloss Kiss and the Stila liquid lipstick to create my “perfect” red lip. The applicator on the Stila liquid lipstick isn’t that great to create clean lines so I use the Glossy kiss pencil to line my lips and fill them in and, then put the liquid lipstick on top.

What are some of the products you’ve been loving this month or for the fall?

I Heart Fall Tag!

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Favorite Fall Lip Product: I am absolutely loving red lips this fall. I was never one for red lips and thought I could never pull them off to save my life. I must say, I thought wrong! hahaha. I’ve been loving Stila’s liquid lipstick in Beso. I’ve also been loving Revlon’s lip stains and anything berry colored.

Favorite Fall Nail Polish: Sadly, I don’t wear nail polish. I have a terrible nail biting habit that likes to come and go. I’ll let my nails grow out and then…I bite them off. Gross, I know.

Favorite Starbucks Fall Drink? Oh gosh, where do I start. I LOVE the pumpkin spice frappuccino as well as the chai frappuccino.

Favorite Fall Candle? I love anything pumpkin scented. During the fall I’m more of a warm, spicy, food/fruit scented candle girl. Bath & Body Work’s candles are just amazing.

Favorite Fall Scarf or Accessory? Scarves! I have so many scarves it isn’t even funny. Although, my favorite is just a plain grey infinity scarf. It goes with anything and keeps me warm. I live in the south so once it dips under 70 degrees I’m FREEZING! I love bundling up sweaters and scarves during the fall.

Haunted house, haunted hay ride, or haunted corn maze? Haunted hay ride definitely. I’m such a baby when it comes to scary things though. I’ve never been through a haunted corn maze. It sounds absolutely terrifying though!

 Favorite Halloween movie? It’s a tie between Halloween Town and Hocus Pocus. Anything on ABC Family’s 13 nights of Halloween I love. Like I said before, I’m not big on scary movies.

Favorite candy to eat on Halloween? Eh, I know this will sound boring but, I’m not big on sweets. Every time I eat something sweet I get terrible stomach aches. Although, give me a piece of chocolate I’ll be happy. One “Halloween” candy I hate is candy corn! Gross! That stuff is like PURE sugar and kills my teeth whenever I bite into it. I have no idea how anyone can eat it. Hmmm, can I count candy apples as a Halloween candy?

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?! NOTHING. I can’t remember the last time I got all dressed up for Halloween. Sadly, I’m going to be stuck at work until 9pm that day. Boo! Usually I just sit at home waiting for trick-or-treaters to hand out candy too. I do enjoy seeing all the kids in their costumes.

What is your Favorite thing about Fall? Ah, where do I start. Fall is my favorite season! I’m originally from Massachusetts so growing up seeing the leaves change colors was just amazing. Now that I live down south the colors aren’t as vibrant. I’m also not a fan of the hot summer heat or the freezing winter cold so fall time is where the temperature is just perfect. I love how during the fall there is so many fairs and awesome things to do. Can we just talk about how AMAZING the air smells during the fall. The air is so crisp and clean smelling. Also, I love carving pumpkins and making pecan pie and pumpkin pie.

I could go on and on about why I love fall but, I think I’ll just leave it at that. hahaha.