I’ve always wondered why people who talk about anxiety say that it is VERY tough for them to talk about, until I started typing this. It’s tough to put into words how you feel because describing anxiety to someone is well, for lack thereof a better word…tough.
I grew up in a family where emotions were never really talked about. So, I guess through observing my family and people around me, I’ve learned to bottle them inside. Growing up, we were always told to be tough and strong. I thought being tough and strong was NEVER showing any emotion.
I have a lot of pain and sadness inside me so I bottle it up. It’s been 25, almost 26 years of bottling, storing my emotions inside. I also bottle up all my positive emotions as well. I don’t know how to express my emotions, which why this will probably be ALL over the place, because honestly, writing this is like pulling “teeth” to get the words out of myself.
I go through most days feeling “satisfied.” I wouldn’t really call it much of an actual emotion. I guess you can say that I’m afraid of my feelings. I don’t understand them and how to deal with them – how to express them. Since I bottle up my emotions, I will go days where I’ll lay in bed and cry, silently to myself when my brain decides it had had enough of holding it in.
If you are also someone who suffers from anxiety/bottling up your emotions, you will know that even when you breakdown and let it go once in a while, it doesn’t change ANYTHING.
I’ve always thought I was alone, that I was the only one suffering from anxiety, or the only one who felt like this from holding their emotions. I watched a few YouTubers that I’ve grown to enjoy watching and a few bloggers who, I also enjoy talk about their anxiety and realized I WASN’T the only one.
I’ve always been incredibly shy. I’ve never been the one to walk up to people and introduce myself and if anyone came up to me, which btw was INCREDIBLY rare. I’d freeze up. I didn’t know what to say. Inside, I’ve always wanted to be this loud, outgoing person that I “feel” like I am, if that makes ANY sense at all. When I began my first job, I literally had to FORCE myself to be that person.
I remember having my first anxiety attack. I was at work, at the time I was a manager at Burger King. I know….YIKES! It was very busy that day and I was the only one on duty so I had to pretty much go through my heart racing, wanting to pass out, turning hot then, back to cold, and also wanting to run as FAR away from where I was – I couldn’t. That night after I got out of work, I asked my dad if I was having a heart attack…LOL. He told me no, that was an anxiety attack. To this day I still REALLY don’t know what triggered it.
Ever since then if I go somewhere like, a mall or any place a large group of people are, I start to panic. I become incredibly irritable and the only thought on my mind is how quickly I can get out. I also try to avoid going to said places on days or times I KNOW, a lot of people won’t be there. Also, I used to LOVE trying new things and even the thought of trying something new and different…terrifies the hell out of me. At my age I don’t even have my license because driving a car is something new to me. Everyone just tells me that I don’t try hard enough, that it’s “ease,” and if they can do it, then I can do it. Well, that may be CORRECT but, my mind just freaks out, I get behind that wheel and I start having an anxiety attack. They don’t get how TOUGH it is! Just the thought of being behind the wheel makes me start to freak out.
Lately my anxiety has gotten worse. I live in my head, thinking, wondering. At 25 (almost 26), I pictured myself graduated from college and starting a career. I thought at 25, I’d be in a relationship…getting engaged like mostly everyone I grew up with. But, NONE of that has happened. I had to drop out of college because I couldn’t afford it. I haven’t started a career. I’ve worked crap jobs like Burger King and working a crappy retail store. It’s so crazy how I planned out my life, and not a SINGLE thing has happened like I thought. I constantly think, what if I did this differently or this? If I did would my life be different? Would I actually be a “normal” 25/26 year old with a career and actually doing something with my life? I start to “freak” out in my head. These questions just repeat over, and over, and over again until I start panicking.
It’s honestly so bizarre how all the emotions you’ve held in and repressed can just all of a sudden come out at once and hit you. It’s like this odd feeling. It’s indescribable.
*Sorry this was ALL over the place….once again, it was like pulling teeth to get this out.