Coming Clean: My eating disorder!

I’ve always wanted to talk about this…but it’s something that isn’t easy to talk about. I’ve always been “bigger,” than most girls. I was always teased for my weight ever since I was a little girl. I’ve had twinkies thrown at my head. I’ve been called “fat ass.” I’ve never been thin for as long as I can remember. Like most girls, growing up I’ve always compared myself to other girls. I’d think why can’t I have her body? Why am I not skinny like her? Why can’t I be as pretty as her? I still do think things like that, not as often as I used to. I think that is normal for people to sometimes compare themselves to others, even though we shouldn’t and that it is quite silly to do. I think being just a little hard on yourself is okay. It is what pushes you to become a better version of yourself. Everyone is beautiful, we are all unique! I come from a family of incredible cooks! I have a chef for a little brother and my parents are both really good cooks. We didn’t eat the healthiest foods, fried food was definitely very big in our house growing up. Every other Friday was pizza day or grinders (subs.)

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’08 senior prom

I remember learning about anorexia and other eating disorders, and thinking that I would NEVER EVER do that to myself, no matter how bad I wanted to be thin. I thought, how ANYONE could do that to themselves? It seemed completely and utterly absurd that someone would do that. I remember senior year of high school, I would always skip lunch. That’s something I won’t even REALLY claim as the beginning to it. I mean I was still eating breakfast and dinner at home even though, I was doing it in hopes that I could lose just a few pounds by skipping. I wasn’t fully consumed by being skinny. By being pretty. I’m sure no one noticed that every day I would stand against the brick wall near the cafeteria for 30 minutes waiting for lunch to be over. I absolutely loathed lunch time! I’m sure they probably just thought I scarfed my food down! Why would anyone think that that big girl standing next to the wall would be starving herself?

The day after graduation I packed my bags and moved to North Carolina. It was a chance for me to start over. To be happy, because I wasn’t happy AT ALL where I lived, I started college at Campbell University during the summer and this is when things got worse! I was stressed out from being away from my family and not knowing a single person where I was. This is where I like to say it REALLY began. It’s hard going from somewhere you are so familiar with…you grew up with all the kids you were in high school with, you all went to middle school together and then suddenly, i found myself being lonely, not knowing a single soul!  When I started college I was 19, I’ve never been kissed, never even been in a relationship, never even had a guy look my way! Crazy to think that I started doing this ALL because I wanted a guy to think I was pretty, that I wanted a guy to like me.We were given $350 every semester for food. We could spend it at Chick-fil-a or Quiznos and a couple other places. Of course we also had a meal plan. The meal plan was something I barely used. Monday – Thursday I’d only eat one sandwich and a bag of chips. I’d split it between lunch and dinner. Friday – Sunday was spent not eating AT ALL. The only thing I would do, is drink water. When the money ran out was the only time I’d go to the cafeteria, I would only eat salad. Not only was I dealing with my desire to be “thin” and “pretty,” I was also dealing with my anxiety, trying to find friends. I would stay up until 2am-3am following “thinspo” blogs and looking at pictures..thinking that was what I NEEDED to look like. Constantly comparing myself! I would stare into the mirror, picking out every single flaw I could find, tearing myself down.

When the weight started coming off, I noticed boys would start talking to me. They started to notice me, and I no longer felt that I was completely invisible. Sadly, my low self-esteem got to me, and I started sleeping with ANY boy that would give me the time or day and tell me I was pretty. Something, I’m REALLY not proud of AT ALL. It took the loss of a REALLY good friend to realize what I was doing, was wrong.

I lost 80lbs my freshman year. I started having friends from back home tell me how amazing I looked, and that they were proud of ALL the hard work I’ve done Even people I wasn’t friends with would tell me. They’d ask how I did it…I’d lie and tell them eating right and exercising.  I had people tell me that I inspired them to start losing weight. I wanted to shake them and tell them NOT to think of me as an inspiration because I was lying. Because I didn’t do what I preached, I didn’t do things the right way. I was ashamed of myself.

In ’09 is when I got my first boyfriend…if you want to call him that. I try to forget about him. Most of our relationship was long distance. I did end up moving with him down to Texas. I didn’t stay long, I found out he was cheating. He’d lock his computer when he’d get up, which I thought was INCREDIBLY weird and sketchy. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me by two friends. They sent me conversations he had sent them that he had with her, as well as things he’d say to them about me. When I got home he found ways to talk to me and tear me down. He’d go on and on about me weight, how I looked and etc. I continued to barely eat because I he said I was “fat” the reason he didn’t like me because I was “fat.” I believed that no guy would like me because I was “fat.” It’s funny how people think words are just words and that they carry no meaning. That isn’t the truth at all words are just not words! The words you believe are just words and that they don’t carry anything,carry so much meaning to the person who receives them. They can built someone up or completely destroy that person.

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Now

I’ve slowly started to begin to accept myself and the way I look. Although, there are days when I think I look gross and days where I think I look great. There are times when I wonder why I even put myself down. There are some days I think about not eating. I guess it will always be something I have to battle. I hope that this will maybe help someone. I hope you know you aren’t alone! I hope you realize that you are beautiful no matter what size you are. No matter what someone else thinks of you…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. If someone doesn’t like you for the way you look. FUCK THEM! Love yourself!  Be healthy, in every aspect of your life. Be confident! No one is perfect! Embrace EVERY SINGLE flaw, for that is what makes you, YOU. That is what makes you, BEAUTIFUL! Those are what make us ALL who we are. They are what make us unique and beautiful! Don’t ever think for a second that because you aren’t a size two, because you can’t wear a bikini, that you aren’t beautiful.

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Goodbye 2014!

It’s December 31, the last day of 2014! I’m so excited that this year is over with. Sadly, it wasn’t all that great of a year.

I’m one of those people who LOVES change. So, I am quite excited to say goodbye to this year and see what I can accomplish in 2015.

In February, I finally decided to quit my job that I HATED! Every day I woke up dreading having to go to work. I dreaded having to deal with my boss. I just dreaded my life. I worked anywhere from 60-80 hours a week. Every day I went to work my boss made sure to tell me how shit of an employee I was. I started becoming depressed and started believing the things she was saying to me. That I was a terrible employee, that I would never go anywhere. I started thinking about the things I wanted to do and soon they became to seem that they’d never happen. I started thinking about how every person I went to school with was starting their careers and how everything I planned on doing wasn’t going to happen. I started comparing my life to their life.

So, on Valentine’s Day I told her I was leaving, that I was so tired of waking up and dreading my life. I was tired of being unhappy with myself . After 4 years of working for her and working anywhere from 60-80 hours a week, I never felt so happy and realized how INCREDIBLY miserable I was.

Although, my excitement was short lived. I started a new job right away working for an ex-coworker after he literally begged me to work for him. After 2 months of working for him, he started trying to find ways to get rid of me. He’d tell his boss I wasn’t doing this or that. I didn’t do something a certain way. He tried anything to get me wrote up. Again. I started dreading where I was working and I started actually slacking. I started showing up 15-20 minutes late. I never understood why someone would BEG for me to work for them, and then try and find ways to fire me. I’m still confused about it to this day. After MONTHS of him trying..he finally succeeded and in July, he got his way.

In August, I started working at my current job. It isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life but, I can honestly say I wake up and actually enjoy having to go to work. I’ve never worked somewhere where people don’t tear me down.

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After comparing my life to those I know and thinking about ALL the things that I had planned out for myself, I finally came to terms that MAYBE what I had plan to accomplish isn’t what I’m REALLY meant to do. At 25, I wanted to have a career and my own house. But, NONE of that has happened. Literally, every thing I planned to accomplish didn’t happen. But, that’s okay. There is something out there that I’m meant to do.

So, in 2015, I plan on bettering myself. I want to finally do things that make me happy. I spent 4 years of my life hating every waking moment. Dreading waking up. So this next year I want to make good memories. I want 2015 to be SO MUCH better than 2014. I want to better myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I also want to start saving money. I’ll be 26 in March and hopefully by next year I want to be out on my own. I want to work on my confidence. I want to become healthier. I have lost 80lbs since ’08 but, I’ve hit a plateau. I haven’t lost or gained any weight since then. So, I’ve made a plan with my best friend to go to the gym 3-4 days a week or just go on walks. I also want to be more organized. I am complete and utter crap at organizing things. I also want to blog more. I have just started blogging again and it feels amazing to be able to write about things that I enjoy, or just get things off my chest whether anyone reads it or not.

But, my MAIN goal is to just LET GO. Let go of what I planned to do with my life when I was young. Let go of any sadness or anger. Let go and stop caring about what anyone thinks of me.

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What are some of thing you wish to accomplish in 2015?

A Holiday Update.

It’s officially Christmas in my house! In my last post I stated how I just couldn’t get into the Christmas spirit AT ALL. Well my friend came over the other night and MADE me start decorating. We turned on some Michael Buble Christmas music and started decorating. I am pretty sure Michael Bublbe’s Christmas album is THE BEST CHRISTMAS ALBUM EVER! Don’t even think about arguing with me about it! hahaha. I must say my Christmas tree came out pretty good!

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Since I was in the spirit to decorate for Christmas, I also decided to make my room a little more Christmasy!

I haveno idea why I never put lights around my bed! So cute!

I haveno idea why I never put lights around my bed! So cute!

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This little fellow loves to sleep under the tree ALL day!

This little fellow loves to sleep under the tree ALL day! 

I have a lot of pretty ornaments but that little guy LOVES to attack the tree and make the ornaments go flying across my apartment. He broke a few last year so I had to buy shatterproof ones this year!

Have you put up your tree yet?

Cloudy days & coffee shops

I tend to get trapped in my every day routine of going to work, coming home, and repeating EVERY day. Yesterday I decided to take a trip to this little coffee shop & bakery in my town. I’ve been here a couple times since it has been open. I absolutely love looking around at all the bread, desserts and coffees. They have a little section where they sell things from local companies which is awesome.

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Lavender, pumpkin & lemon  macaroons.

Lavender, pumpkin & lemon macaroons.

Don’t these macaroons looks delicious!

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Perfect little spot on cold days for people watching!

If you ever find yourself in central NC. You NEED to take a stop at The Table!

Anxiety

I’ve always wondered why people who talk about anxiety say that it is VERY tough for them to talk about, until I started typing this. It’s tough to put into words how you feel because describing anxiety to someone is well, for lack thereof a better word…tough.

I grew up in a family where emotions were never really talked about. So, I guess through observing my family and people around me, I’ve learned to bottle them inside. Growing up, we were always told to be tough and strong. I thought being tough and strong was NEVER showing any emotion.

I have a lot of pain and sadness inside me so I bottle it up. It’s been 25, almost 26 years of bottling, storing my emotions inside. I also bottle up all my positive emotions as well. I don’t know how to express my emotions, which why this will probably be ALL over the place, because honestly, writing this is like pulling “teeth” to get the words out of myself.

I go through most days feeling “satisfied.” I wouldn’t really call it much of an actual emotion. I guess you can say that I’m afraid of my feelings. I don’t understand them and how to deal with them – how to express them. Since I bottle up my emotions, I will go days where I’ll lay in bed and cry, silently to myself when my brain decides it had had enough of holding it in.

If you are also someone who suffers from anxiety/bottling up your emotions, you will know that even when you breakdown and let it go once in a while, it doesn’t change ANYTHING.

I’ve always thought I was alone, that I was the only one suffering from anxiety, or the only one who felt like this from holding their emotions. I watched a few YouTubers that I’ve grown to enjoy watching and a few bloggers who, I also enjoy talk about their anxiety and realized I WASN’T the only one.

I’ve always been incredibly shy. I’ve never been the one to walk up to people and introduce myself and if anyone came up to me, which btw was INCREDIBLY rare. I’d freeze up. I didn’t know what to say. Inside, I’ve always wanted to be this loud, outgoing person that I “feel” like I am, if that makes ANY sense at all. When I began my first job, I literally had to FORCE myself to be that person.

I remember having my first anxiety attack. I was at work, at the time I was a manager at Burger King. I know….YIKES! It was very busy that day and I was the only one on duty so I had to pretty much go through my heart racing, wanting to pass out, turning hot then, back to cold, and also wanting to run as FAR away from where I was – I couldn’t. That night after I got out of work, I asked my dad if I was having a heart attack…LOL. He told me no, that was an anxiety attack. To this day I still REALLY don’t know what triggered it.

Ever since then if I go somewhere like, a mall or any place a large group of people are, I start to panic. I become incredibly irritable and the only thought on my mind is how quickly I can get out. I also try to avoid going to said places on days or times I KNOW, a lot of people won’t be there. Also, I used to LOVE trying new things and even the thought of trying something new and different…terrifies the hell out of me. At my age I don’t even have my license because driving a car is something new to me. Everyone just tells me that I don’t try hard enough, that it’s “ease,” and if they can do it, then I can do it. Well, that may be CORRECT but, my mind just freaks out, I get behind that wheel and I start having an anxiety attack. They don’t get how TOUGH it is! Just the thought of being behind the wheel makes me start to freak out.

Lately my anxiety has gotten worse. I live in my head, thinking, wondering. At 25 (almost 26), I pictured myself graduated from college and starting a career. I thought at 25, I’d be in a relationship…getting engaged like mostly everyone I grew up with. But, NONE of that has happened. I had to drop out of college because I couldn’t afford it. I haven’t started a career. I’ve worked crap jobs like Burger King and working a crappy retail store. It’s so crazy how I planned out my life, and not a SINGLE thing has happened like I thought. I constantly think, what if I did this differently or this? If I did would my life be different? Would I actually be a “normal” 25/26 year old with a career and actually doing something with my life? I start to “freak” out in my head. These questions just repeat over, and over, and over again until I start panicking.

It’s honestly so bizarre how all the emotions you’ve held in and repressed can just all of a sudden come out at once and hit you. It’s like this odd feeling. It’s indescribable.

*Sorry this was ALL over the place….once again, it was like pulling teeth to get this out.

Pumpkin carving: 10/19

It’s been a few years since I’ve carved a pumpkin. When I was little, my father and I would carve a pumpkin every year together. I really don’t get into the “Halloween spirit” anymore, to me it’s just a silly little holiday. But, this year my best friend wanted to carve some pumpkins.

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The worst part of carving HAS to be getting out all the “guts” and seeds. YUCK! 

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Carving the pumpkin made me feel like I was a little kid again. It was nice to do something creative and fun. I know next year I will be carving another one!

Update!

Wow, it’s been about 9 months since the last time I have updated this blog. I have honestly forgotten how much I loved blogging. Work was literally consuming my life! It’s honestly so crazy how quickly something can just consume ALL of your time, an all the things you actually ENJOY doing just get thrown on the back burner. I decided ONCE in my life that I was going to start doing things that made me happy. I ALWAYS put myself last in all aspects of my life. Lately, I’ve been reading other blogs and constantly thinking to myself “man, I REALLY miss having my own place to write about things that I enjoy!”

I plan on keeping up this blog regularly now that I’ve taken a step back from working so many hours to give myself some freedom and enjoy life.