Flaws are funny things!

Flaws are funny things. They are something all of us have but, all of us pretend that we don’t. Sometimes the hardest thing is seeing the good in people who seem so incredibly flawed. You have to see the world from somebody else’s perspective and understand why they do the things that they do; whether you agree with them or not. That really caused me to reflect on myself and think about the way I see the world. It made me realize that I still have a lot of flaws and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just something that I need to be actively aware of and I think it is something everyone should be aware of. So, when I was thinking about the good and bad in other people, I was also thought of the good and bad in myself. I think my biggest flaw is finding the flaws in others too quickly and voicing those flaws a little too loudly. Being able to recognize this is half the battle. Looking at who you are internally is so important. When I was younger I had such a huge ego and that’s something most young people have.   You’re not used to the world and how it works, and 99% of the time you’re wrong and you end up realizing, “wait I actually was wrong.” And when you’re young, you think you have it all figured out and as I’ve gotten older and older, I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable with not knowing anything. I think it’s great to not know anything, to have an open mind, to be able to shift and change your opinions with what you learn. I think being able to take in other people’s views and thought processes and just look at the world through somebody else’s eyes and have that help shape the way you see it, is an amazing thing. I think making decisions for yourself is really important as well but, self-love and self-acceptance is too. Self-reflection is just as important. I think it is something that you continuously struggle with. I’ve really come to terms with the fact that even as I’ve gotten older and have slowly grown out of the “know it all” phase that everybody goes through, I still have a big ego sometimes. I still think I’m the best at certain things or I’ll hear somebody else’s thought process or point of view and think “okay, they are crazy! They don’t know anything!” That is something I’m working on. It is normal to have self-love and self-acceptance and to have a ton of self-pride. I think people sometimes confuse being confident, with being egotistical. We are all born with a blank slate, that’s why seeing the world from childrens’ eyes is so amazing! Nothing is tainted for them and they think everything is so great and so amazing. As you get older you’re beaten down and it is almost as society wants you to be pitiful and feel sorry for yourself and to be down on yourself and anybody who has self-confidence, well, you’re just full of yourself! I think there is a happy balance and I’m definitely still figuring out where that happy balance lies. Being open-minded, realizing your flaws and finding ways to somewhat fix them but, also realizing that it is okay to be flawed, it’s okay to be a work in progress, is something that I think is really important. We can only become better people by realizing what we need to work on. 

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Rant: Nicole Arbour “Dear Fat People”

I don’t even know where to begin with this. I know she does it for “satire” or to be “funny.” I get it Nicole Arbour you’re trying to be “funny,” I get it with your “controversial humor.” I do appreciate controversial humor to an extent. I see you with your Jenna Marbles hair going on and you’re trying to make it on Youtube. There are A LOT of girls out there who don’t even have ONE positive role model in their life and TONS of girls who suffer from eating disorders (me being one.) There are girls out there who will watch this video and it will honestly destroy their life. Words aren’t just words, they carry meanings, they can destory people or build them up. Your words can honestly affect sooo many people. There are tons of people who commit suicide because they don’t feel like they are good enough because people like YOU! They think because they aren’t “beautiful” by someone else’s “standard” of beauty that they are inadequate and that life is not worth living because they aren’t “pretty enough” or “skinny enough.” I hate how people who have NEVER been overweight think they know what it is like. You’ve never faced the daily struggles…YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! You don’t understand their health history, you are not their doctor. Their body is not up for discussion PERIOD. It’s very obvious you wanted to get attention from this video. I know you want this video to be virally shared. YOU ARE A BULLY! You have such a HUGE platform to change people lives and yet you chose it for negativity. You chose to use it to potentially destroy someone’s life. You can still be funny without being A FUCKING BULLY. What also pisses me off is the fact that YOU think, whoever is obese that watches this video will be moved to start losing weight. I’m sorry but to be the REASON that someone loses weight, when you are so negative is absolutely disgusting! Also the ‪#‎effyourbeautystandard‬ hashtag is NOT an excuse for people to EAT and be overweight. It was created for body positivity! It’s a community based on loving yourself and being HEALTHY! It saves peoples lives of those who want to commit suicide because they don’t think they are good enough because they aren’t skinny or pretty. They don’t encourage unhealthy eating! I honestly hope you change your mind set because there are two ways you can leave this world, influencing others or being a total fucking bully! YOU ARE HONESTLY SO FUCKING DISGUSTING. To anyone who suffers with confidence and loving yourself, always remember that you’re beautiful for being YOU…not because you’re thin or you have pink fucking hair or because of your makeup. You’re beautiful by the kind word you put out, by the way you make people feel, by the kind things you do for people. Your weight has nothing to do with how beautiful you are!

Coming Clean: My eating disorder!

I’ve always wanted to talk about this…but it’s something that isn’t easy to talk about. I’ve always been “bigger,” than most girls. I was always teased for my weight ever since I was a little girl. I’ve had twinkies thrown at my head. I’ve been called “fat ass.” I’ve never been thin for as long as I can remember. Like most girls, growing up I’ve always compared myself to other girls. I’d think why can’t I have her body? Why am I not skinny like her? Why can’t I be as pretty as her? I still do think things like that, not as often as I used to. I think that is normal for people to sometimes compare themselves to others, even though we shouldn’t and that it is quite silly to do. I think being just a little hard on yourself is okay. It is what pushes you to become a better version of yourself. Everyone is beautiful, we are all unique! I come from a family of incredible cooks! I have a chef for a little brother and my parents are both really good cooks. We didn’t eat the healthiest foods, fried food was definitely very big in our house growing up. Every other Friday was pizza day or grinders (subs.)

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’08 senior prom

I remember learning about anorexia and other eating disorders, and thinking that I would NEVER EVER do that to myself, no matter how bad I wanted to be thin. I thought, how ANYONE could do that to themselves? It seemed completely and utterly absurd that someone would do that. I remember senior year of high school, I would always skip lunch. That’s something I won’t even REALLY claim as the beginning to it. I mean I was still eating breakfast and dinner at home even though, I was doing it in hopes that I could lose just a few pounds by skipping. I wasn’t fully consumed by being skinny. By being pretty. I’m sure no one noticed that every day I would stand against the brick wall near the cafeteria for 30 minutes waiting for lunch to be over. I absolutely loathed lunch time! I’m sure they probably just thought I scarfed my food down! Why would anyone think that that big girl standing next to the wall would be starving herself?

The day after graduation I packed my bags and moved to North Carolina. It was a chance for me to start over. To be happy, because I wasn’t happy AT ALL where I lived, I started college at Campbell University during the summer and this is when things got worse! I was stressed out from being away from my family and not knowing a single person where I was. This is where I like to say it REALLY began. It’s hard going from somewhere you are so familiar with…you grew up with all the kids you were in high school with, you all went to middle school together and then suddenly, i found myself being lonely, not knowing a single soul!  When I started college I was 19, I’ve never been kissed, never even been in a relationship, never even had a guy look my way! Crazy to think that I started doing this ALL because I wanted a guy to think I was pretty, that I wanted a guy to like me.We were given $350 every semester for food. We could spend it at Chick-fil-a or Quiznos and a couple other places. Of course we also had a meal plan. The meal plan was something I barely used. Monday – Thursday I’d only eat one sandwich and a bag of chips. I’d split it between lunch and dinner. Friday – Sunday was spent not eating AT ALL. The only thing I would do, is drink water. When the money ran out was the only time I’d go to the cafeteria, I would only eat salad. Not only was I dealing with my desire to be “thin” and “pretty,” I was also dealing with my anxiety, trying to find friends. I would stay up until 2am-3am following “thinspo” blogs and looking at pictures..thinking that was what I NEEDED to look like. Constantly comparing myself! I would stare into the mirror, picking out every single flaw I could find, tearing myself down.

When the weight started coming off, I noticed boys would start talking to me. They started to notice me, and I no longer felt that I was completely invisible. Sadly, my low self-esteem got to me, and I started sleeping with ANY boy that would give me the time or day and tell me I was pretty. Something, I’m REALLY not proud of AT ALL. It took the loss of a REALLY good friend to realize what I was doing, was wrong.

I lost 80lbs my freshman year. I started having friends from back home tell me how amazing I looked, and that they were proud of ALL the hard work I’ve done Even people I wasn’t friends with would tell me. They’d ask how I did it…I’d lie and tell them eating right and exercising.  I had people tell me that I inspired them to start losing weight. I wanted to shake them and tell them NOT to think of me as an inspiration because I was lying. Because I didn’t do what I preached, I didn’t do things the right way. I was ashamed of myself.

In ’09 is when I got my first boyfriend…if you want to call him that. I try to forget about him. Most of our relationship was long distance. I did end up moving with him down to Texas. I didn’t stay long, I found out he was cheating. He’d lock his computer when he’d get up, which I thought was INCREDIBLY weird and sketchy. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me by two friends. They sent me conversations he had sent them that he had with her, as well as things he’d say to them about me. When I got home he found ways to talk to me and tear me down. He’d go on and on about me weight, how I looked and etc. I continued to barely eat because I he said I was “fat” the reason he didn’t like me because I was “fat.” I believed that no guy would like me because I was “fat.” It’s funny how people think words are just words and that they carry no meaning. That isn’t the truth at all words are just not words! The words you believe are just words and that they don’t carry anything,carry so much meaning to the person who receives them. They can built someone up or completely destroy that person.

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Now

I’ve slowly started to begin to accept myself and the way I look. Although, there are days when I think I look gross and days where I think I look great. There are times when I wonder why I even put myself down. There are some days I think about not eating. I guess it will always be something I have to battle. I hope that this will maybe help someone. I hope you know you aren’t alone! I hope you realize that you are beautiful no matter what size you are. No matter what someone else thinks of you…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. If someone doesn’t like you for the way you look. FUCK THEM! Love yourself!  Be healthy, in every aspect of your life. Be confident! No one is perfect! Embrace EVERY SINGLE flaw, for that is what makes you, YOU. That is what makes you, BEAUTIFUL! Those are what make us ALL who we are. They are what make us unique and beautiful! Don’t ever think for a second that because you aren’t a size two, because you can’t wear a bikini, that you aren’t beautiful.

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Goodbye 2014!

It’s December 31, the last day of 2014! I’m so excited that this year is over with. Sadly, it wasn’t all that great of a year.

I’m one of those people who LOVES change. So, I am quite excited to say goodbye to this year and see what I can accomplish in 2015.

In February, I finally decided to quit my job that I HATED! Every day I woke up dreading having to go to work. I dreaded having to deal with my boss. I just dreaded my life. I worked anywhere from 60-80 hours a week. Every day I went to work my boss made sure to tell me how shit of an employee I was. I started becoming depressed and started believing the things she was saying to me. That I was a terrible employee, that I would never go anywhere. I started thinking about the things I wanted to do and soon they became to seem that they’d never happen. I started thinking about how every person I went to school with was starting their careers and how everything I planned on doing wasn’t going to happen. I started comparing my life to their life.

So, on Valentine’s Day I told her I was leaving, that I was so tired of waking up and dreading my life. I was tired of being unhappy with myself . After 4 years of working for her and working anywhere from 60-80 hours a week, I never felt so happy and realized how INCREDIBLY miserable I was.

Although, my excitement was short lived. I started a new job right away working for an ex-coworker after he literally begged me to work for him. After 2 months of working for him, he started trying to find ways to get rid of me. He’d tell his boss I wasn’t doing this or that. I didn’t do something a certain way. He tried anything to get me wrote up. Again. I started dreading where I was working and I started actually slacking. I started showing up 15-20 minutes late. I never understood why someone would BEG for me to work for them, and then try and find ways to fire me. I’m still confused about it to this day. After MONTHS of him trying..he finally succeeded and in July, he got his way.

In August, I started working at my current job. It isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life but, I can honestly say I wake up and actually enjoy having to go to work. I’ve never worked somewhere where people don’t tear me down.

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After comparing my life to those I know and thinking about ALL the things that I had planned out for myself, I finally came to terms that MAYBE what I had plan to accomplish isn’t what I’m REALLY meant to do. At 25, I wanted to have a career and my own house. But, NONE of that has happened. Literally, every thing I planned to accomplish didn’t happen. But, that’s okay. There is something out there that I’m meant to do.

So, in 2015, I plan on bettering myself. I want to finally do things that make me happy. I spent 4 years of my life hating every waking moment. Dreading waking up. So this next year I want to make good memories. I want 2015 to be SO MUCH better than 2014. I want to better myself mentally, emotionally, and physically. I also want to start saving money. I’ll be 26 in March and hopefully by next year I want to be out on my own. I want to work on my confidence. I want to become healthier. I have lost 80lbs since ’08 but, I’ve hit a plateau. I haven’t lost or gained any weight since then. So, I’ve made a plan with my best friend to go to the gym 3-4 days a week or just go on walks. I also want to be more organized. I am complete and utter crap at organizing things. I also want to blog more. I have just started blogging again and it feels amazing to be able to write about things that I enjoy, or just get things off my chest whether anyone reads it or not.

But, my MAIN goal is to just LET GO. Let go of what I planned to do with my life when I was young. Let go of any sadness or anger. Let go and stop caring about what anyone thinks of me.

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What are some of thing you wish to accomplish in 2015?

A Holiday Update.

It’s officially Christmas in my house! In my last post I stated how I just couldn’t get into the Christmas spirit AT ALL. Well my friend came over the other night and MADE me start decorating. We turned on some Michael Buble Christmas music and started decorating. I am pretty sure Michael Bublbe’s Christmas album is THE BEST CHRISTMAS ALBUM EVER! Don’t even think about arguing with me about it! hahaha. I must say my Christmas tree came out pretty good!

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Since I was in the spirit to decorate for Christmas, I also decided to make my room a little more Christmasy!

I haveno idea why I never put lights around my bed! So cute!

I haveno idea why I never put lights around my bed! So cute!

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This little fellow loves to sleep under the tree ALL day!

This little fellow loves to sleep under the tree ALL day! 

I have a lot of pretty ornaments but that little guy LOVES to attack the tree and make the ornaments go flying across my apartment. He broke a few last year so I had to buy shatterproof ones this year!

Have you put up your tree yet?

Playlist: Christmas

For the past few years I really haven’t been able to get myself into the Christmas spirit. I can’t even bring myself to set up my Christmas tree this year. Usually the day after Thanksgiving I whip out my tree and start decorating. Today I did set up my Christmas tree…well I took it out of the box and put it in front of the window. I still can’t bother to put any lights or decorations up. I have no idea why as each year goes by I get less and less into the spirit of Christmas.

So I put together a list of Christmas songs that will hopefully put you in the Christmas spirit if you aren’t…and hopefully will get me in the spirit.

What’s your favorite Christmas song?

Cloudy days & coffee shops

I tend to get trapped in my every day routine of going to work, coming home, and repeating EVERY day. Yesterday I decided to take a trip to this little coffee shop & bakery in my town. I’ve been here a couple times since it has been open. I absolutely love looking around at all the bread, desserts and coffees. They have a little section where they sell things from local companies which is awesome.

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Lavender, pumpkin & lemon  macaroons.

Lavender, pumpkin & lemon macaroons.

Don’t these macaroons looks delicious!

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Perfect little spot on cold days for people watching!

If you ever find yourself in central NC. You NEED to take a stop at The Table!